Next time someone asks be about my job I’ll say “sometimes it sucks, but I really like it.”  This way the message is that I like it (if this theory works).  I can think of so many areas in life this will benefit me!

Adam is a selfish waste of time, but it’s good that he puts out fires.

I’m a little too fat to fit into those jeans today, but I feel good about who I am.

You’re bickering is annoying as hell, but I hope things work out.

My house is so small, but I feel comfortable at home.

People in this world can be so stupid, but my best buddy is brilliant.

I wish you would just shut up, but feel free to express how you feel.

I don’t think this is worth my time, but I will persevere.

I feel a little crazy without a circadian rhythm, but it is so peaceful being up at dawn.

I think this works.  What sticks with me from all these statements is that I feel good about who I am and I’m glad the fires are being put out.  I’m listening patiently and hope things work out. My best friend is brilliant.  It is very peaceful to be up at dawn in my comfortable home and I am going to persevere in life.

This is a little silly, BuT my mind is already on a more positive path.

I’m a Registered Nurse, which I worked my butt of and missed out on many many parties and travels to become.  I was so happy and proud of myself when I graduate months ago.  Everything I wanted I got.  I wanted to go to CU (hard to get into, but done), I wanted to work @ DH (done), I wanted the floor I’m on, I wanted to graduate with honors, I wanted……  I got it all.

So, my question to myself, or you if you can help, is “did I want the wrong thing?”  I feel solid in my belief that when you want something the universe will help you to get it.  But here are some details I did not expect to get me down: I take care of many homeless people, washed-up people, and mean old people with dementia.  I take care of people who have never taken care of themselves by my standards, or yours probably.   I give out drugs and work in a toxic environment and stay up all night long doing so.

I once thought becoming a nurse would be the way I would get into the healing arts and that I could help bridge eastern and western medical treatments.  I thought I would make a difference for sick people.  I had big dreams that now seem too life consuming and not the least bit young and sexy.

Now I look at people who have not put so much pressure on themselves to use their degree, or even to get a stupid degree.  They write brilliantly, spend time with friends, float through life rather that fighting the currents, perform for a living, wait tables and live in ski towns, and are above all seemingly happy with life.   They are what I now wish I was.  They are being young and beautiful and focusing on themselves.  I…well, I just don’t even know what I am, but I feel like I want to break free.*

*This is where the queen song would be cued up if I was tech savvy.

A couple of weeks ago i had spoken with one of her children on the phone. He gave me so much information on her history. As he talked and talked and talked (I had so much to do, but couldn’t/didn’t want to cut him off) I was piecing together who he and his family are. Yesterday, as I walked by in the hallway, I tried to focus on some specific task. I tried to blend in. Could he tell I was focusing on him and his brother? I wanted to go up and say something…..but what? What do you say? “Hi, I talked to you a couple weeks ago…sorry about your loss?” I couldn’t manage the courage to approach them. Does that make me cold, non-caring, a bad nurse-in-training?

As we cleaned-up the room, meaning we filled up the trash cans with everything but the furniture, I tried not to cry. I was told “there is no crying in nursing.” When I felt tears well up I would focus on some very important piece of trash that needed to be picked-up or a drawer that I should triple-check to make sure it was cleaned out. At one point I was on one side of the head; that was too hard so I moved to the feet. The three nurses helping were so professional, swift and cool and I tried to be like them.

We zipped her up in the bag and moved it onto the gurney. Covered with a sheet she was…no, the body was rolled down the hallway and around the corner.

So that’s it. The most valuable of life’s gifts- a body to live in- now disconnected from it’s soul was whisked off to be examined. Off to try to find the reason for causing it’s soul to vacate. And that soul….was it in the room? Following it’s children? Drifting through the air in peace? Aching for ruining it’s last few years on earth in a wretched addiction? Had it moved on past pain and regret?

And what do I have to blog about today?  Hospice.  I have seen into peoples lives with x-ray vision because a home after many years is like a three dimensional diary. Walk into an old persons home who has been given less than six months, and in one case no more than a few more days, to live and it’s like seeing a star shoot across the sky before becoming something we can no longer see from earth.  These people sparkle amongst the sometimes dark world that we live in, but their sparkle is not cheap and easily made to hand out to everyone with a greedy outstretched hand. 

One sweet woman from Eastern Europe in her  blue fuzzy knit hat and her husband in his silky blue matching adidas shirt and hiked-up pants (shirt tucked in of course) are a symbol of love that trumps any modern Romeo and Juliet.  Many old couples are. They do not display their love for the world with sex appeal, commercial crap and soon-to-fade shinnyness.  What they have is beyond my skill to capture in words.

She was talking to me as I was attending to a medical condition that I would mention, but you would not believe.  He was sitting in his chair pleasantly confused surrounded by all their flowery furniture and paintings and decorations neatly arranged.  Hers is the sharp mind that takes care of them and he shuffles around jollily on his walker with the tray attached to the top doing whatever she asks.  They have the true love thing going on where they will do things for each other without even thinking it is not for themselves.  These things don’t seem that important to the average young person who seems to feel blindfoldingly entitled to a disproportionate amount of importance in this world, but I’m a lucky old soul.

I believe people should contribute to those around them.  Some say you have to help yourself before you can help others, but this is only true to a point.  We all have weakness and to try to perfect ourselves before reaching out an occasional hand to others is a selfish endeavor.  We do not have to be fully aware of who we are, spiritually complete, and mentally sound to care enough to help someone when we don’t benefit from it.  That is the magic of caring about others and caring for the energy that flows through us all.  There have to be boundaries- we cannot give without thought. BUT we CaN find strength in ourselves, learn about ourselves and how we fit in the world while helping others.  Let love rule.

For some reason my stress is high and yet I’m not stressed out and it dawns on me at today’s 4am wake-up that it is love that has made this much easier that it feels like it should be.  I love and am loved and for that I am very lucky.  

I have days where I feel I am going to be buried by to-do lists.  I look in the mirror and am reminded of my current difficulty making time to exercise and eat right.  The feeling in my shoulders is clearly telling me that I need to relax and stretch.

96 days as of this mourning.  In 96 days I will be given a little piece of paper that I have been working on for four years.  I have worked full time and been a full time student.  I have found new strength inside myself.  In 96 days I will realize the fruit of my labor.  Then I will begin to study for the NCLEX.  Two months to review all I have learned and try to polish my brain.

I believe the world can be a better place. I believe we can all open up our hearts, get our hands dirty, and work together. I am entering the medical field though I believe the earth can heal more than our drugs in most cases. Eat from the earth, connect with the earth, and enjoy the beauty.

My dream is to open a place of healing that incorporates the best of eastern and western medicine; a place where fresh herbal tea, a soothing environment, music and natural light balance the man made treatments, drugs, and procedures. This is a big BIG dream, but I have thought many times that it is too big, only to have it creep back into my head and heart. I feel it is my calling, if you can believe it.

How can I make this happen? Well, first I need minds, money, and more experience. The experience I’m working on, the money is laughable at the moment, but it will come, and the minds are all around. People can be amazing if given the chance. I hope I have the chance and I hope and plan on going for it when I see the door open.

I will be an RN in 7 short months and I believe health comes from the earth not drugs or hospitals, so eat colorful fresh food.  As I student I have seen seven babies come into this world and I have yet to see anyone leave it. 

The first birth I saw made me cry, which caught me by surprise.  The best part of that rotation was giving the babies their first bath.  The look in their eyes when warm water is washing over their heads is beyond words.  Then it is time for  shots.  I didn’t like giving 15-minute-old babies shots, but it made me think.  They would immediately cry out in pain, but were so easily comforted.  When they cried from the shot it was strange but comforting to know I was looking at a little person, and the only pain they had ever felt was the poke of the needle.  They were comforted easily because the pain was over and they were being rocked and held.

Now I see people  who are homeless, crazy, rude, mean, sad, scared, scarred, defensive…..when do we become like this?  I try not to hurt others.  I try to live mindfully.  And although trying does not guarantee success, this would would be a very different world if more of us try to do the most good we can as often as we can.

My dream is to help others, but also to love life, work on my yoga practice, travel and keep my eyes open.